How to have deeper conversations with your immigrant parents
A common question I get from clients from immigrant backgrounds is: How do I talk to my parents about mental health?
For many of us, conversations with our parents are often transactional—about what we ate, how work is going, or whether we’ve paid that bill. We might not instinctively call them just for a casual chat or to share what’s on our minds. So when we do need emotional support, opening up can feel difficult, if not impossible.
This was my experience too. My parents, as refugees, prioritised survival and stability. Their way of handling stress was to ‘soldier on’—bottling it up and pushing forward. So when I struggled, their response was often: “Just don’t think about it.” Or: “If I could start again in a new country with no English, you can finish this science test.” Somehow, I did not find that soothing or reassuring in any way.
Many of my clients hold back from talking to their parents for similar reasons. Some don’t want to burden them, knowing how much they’ve already been through. Others want to avoid the stress of being lectured or judged. In collectivist cultures, the power dynamic between parents and children also plays a role—being emotionally open with your parents might not have been the norm in the first place.
But I’ve learned that finding ways to connect—on any level—can create a foundation for deeper conversations.
For example, my family is pretty hug-forward, which isn’t always common in Asian households. When I asked my mum about this, she shared that when my grandmother’s health started declining, she realised their hugs were limited. She wanted to embrace her more, and over time, her sisters started to do the same. That shift made me appreciate how change is possible, even in small ways.
The same goes for conversations. My mum once resented my decision to study psychology, but over time, we’ve gone from immediately invalidating each other’s points to openly discussing emotions and even broader social issues. Watching K-dramas together became an unexpected bonding activity—one that sparked conversations about relationships, family expectations, and mental health in a way that felt natural.
Similarly, I’ve often stepped in to help my parents understand my younger brother’s struggles, mediating discussions to bridge the gap between their experiences and his. And in doing so, I’ve realised that developing empathy for where they’re coming from has been key to improving our relationship.
If you want to build a stronger connection with your parents, consider this:
What’s a topic you both enjoy that could serve as a starting point?
What part of their upbringing are they open to sharing that might help you understand them better?
Once you start having these conversations, setting boundaries and finding mutual understanding becomes a lot easier. You might be surprised at where it takes you!