Bridging the generational gap with immigrant parents

A few months back, I had the honor of joining SBS Vietnamese Radio on the show "Mái ấm gia đình" (warm family life). Hosted by Bich Ngoc Olivia Nguyen, the show delves into the challenges faced by Vietnamese Australian families, while chatting to coaching and psychology professionals to share reflections and advice on how to navigate these family dynamics.

This topic is very close to my heart, resonating deeply with myself and the counseling clients I work with. During the interview, we unpacked the common dynamics prevailing in Vietnamese diaspora families, exploring how these patterns, often established in childhood, persist into adulthood. The conversation touched upon the tendency for parents to express love through strictness and caution rather than openness, creating a critical atmosphere rather than one of encouragement and support.

For many Vietnamese families in Australia, the generational gap is accentuated by the fact that adult children, like myself, are often born in Australia, while their parents are Vietnam-born and came to Australia as refugees. The intergenerational trauma, on top of differing cultural contexts, shapes the expressions of love, which often manifests as actions rather than words.

This dynamic is not exclusive to family setups; it echoes in the lives of Vietnamese international students and many other migrant families who come from more collectivist cultures.

Although the interview was conducted in Vietnamese, which I am unfortunately not proficient in, I wanted this opportunity to share my insights with the listeners of the program; which are older Vietnamese audiences. With the support of my mum, who graciously came with me for moral support (and to correct my pronunciation), I shared my experiences of clashing values and differing expectations in our family, despite having a lot of love for each other.

Our journey, marked by individual and joint effort, has transformed our relationship over the years. What seems miraculous today was, not long ago, a relationship full of conflict and resentment. My mum and I often said the exact sentence, “I don’t even know if she loves me”. This is something I also hear from many clients I work with.

Since each of us have started our personal development journey, I found that admitting mistakes and acknowledging my mum as an individual rather than just 'a parent' involved confronting intense guilt. At the same time, it involved an ongoing commitment to establishing and maintaining boundaries that would benefit both of us in the long term.

While every family is unique, if you find that any of this echoes with your experience, you can consider envisioning the kind of relationship you desire. Start by focusing on yourself—nurturing your well-being—and then approach conversations with your parents from a place of love and openness. It’s possible for change, but the first step is to prioritise yourself - whether you are the parent or child!