Setting boundaries with your migrant parents
What are healthy boundaries, and why are they so hard to set - especially with immigrant parents?
If you have parents who migrated to a new country - going from collectivistic values to individualist like Australia - you might have found it challenging to assert your own needs and set boundaries with them. This is something I’m quite familiar with - both through my own experiences and through working with clients who have gone through similar struggles.
Sometimes, when we try to tell our parents what we want or need, they just don't seem to get it and might even steamroll over your attempts at setting boundaries. While it might feel discouraging or impossible, setting boundaries doesn't have to mean rejecting your cultural expectations. It is possible to blend your individual needs with your family's needs.
A common example I hear about is wanting to move out of the family home and struggling to tell parents about it. I know at least in traditional Vietnamese culture, living with your family until you get married is often seen as the norm. So it can be easy to feel guilty about wanting to do your own thing and knowing your parents might be upset. One way to work through this is communicating your needs to parents respectfully (which I know is easier said than done!).
If you're struggling with setting boundaries with your parents, here are some quick tips to consider:
Reflect on the role of cultural influences. Recognise that setting boundaries is not a rejection of your cultural values, but rather a way to honour your needs while respecting those of others.
Keep an open mind. When you're ready and emotionally equipped, talk to your family with an open mind - share your needs as well as acknowledge their feelings. This is opposed to having a defensive mindset throughout the conversation.
Be consistent and reaffirm your boundaries. Remember, it takes time to form new habits, so keep asserting your boundaries until it becomes a new norm with your family. This is the part that can take a long time!
Setting boundaries is not an easy task, and it requires a lot of emotional work. It’s normal to feel deterred or see boundaries as a far-fetched idea for you right now. Remember, you’re not alone! How can you connect with your community for support on this issue? And for 1:1 help, there’s the option to work with a psychologist for ongoing support to work towards asserting boundaries.